Parents who track adult children should back off

Clinical psychologist Dr. Mark McConville was shocked to learn that a recent poll found that half of parents track the whereabouts of their adult children between the ages of 18 and 25.

“It’s almost never a good thing,” said McConville, author of “Failure to Launch: Why Your Twentysomething Hasn’t Grown Up…and What to Do About It,” about parental monitoring.

He added that location tracking of children aged 18 to 25 is often an “indicator” of “parental anxiety” and does not make “any tangible contribution to the child’s development.”

These may sound harsh words to parents who watch their adult children’s every step of the way. But a national poll on child health conducted earlier this year by C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital among 1,542 parents on the topic suggests that McConville is on to something.

parents seek reassurance

Research shows that about two-thirds of parents who use location tracking do so for peace of mind or in case of an emergency.

What are the scenarios in which parents are more likely to check their child’s location? Standard activities for young people include going out late at night or in unknown locations, using ride-sharing or taxi services, and spending time with strangers.

In addition, 21 percent and 17 percent, respectively, believe location tracking is a good way to determine if it’s a good time to make a phone call or to understand their child’s activities and whereabouts. 9% want confirmation that their child frequents places that meet their approval. 11% said there was no particular reason for surveillance. Among parents who use location tracking, nearly three-quarters said they always use a location tracking app or software.

Tracking without consent

McConville wasn’t the only one shocked by the findings.

Sarah Clark, co-director of Mott Pole, told Mashable she was surprised by the prevalence of tracking. But Clark was also appalled by the fact that more than 50 percent of parents tracked don’t give their adult children a say in the matter.

“Whether we can talk about it or not is another matter,” Clark said. “It’s another thing for parents to just do it without a lot of input from their adult children.”

Tracking does not reliably alleviate parental anxiety. Almost a quarter of survey respondents said following their children could make them feel more anxious than safe.

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Why parents should stop tracking

McConville understands the appeal of location sharing. His wife and golf buddies both know his whereabouts for practical reasons. He also tracks his teenage granddaughters’ movements through location, but only after they leave the house and with his permission.

However, he is concerned about parents of adult children taking on a “supervision” role or managing their own anxiety. Tracking for these reasons can impede a young person’s ability to become fully independent from their parents. It can also undermine young people’s confidence in their ability to manage their own lives.

“It’s not inherently harmful, but does it indicate that the development of autonomy and independence is somehow not being achieved or is behind schedule?” McConville said.

How parents can reconfigure their tracking

The poll did not ask parents when they started tracking their adult children, but McConville and Clark suspect that some may have started tracking them in high school, when it may have been practical or developmentally appropriate.

While continuing this habit into adulthood may seem harmless or normal for parents, McConville suggests a different approach to accepting the inevitable.

“Do you anticipate that someday your child will outgrow your supervision?” McConville asks. “Why isn’t 7pm the right time?”

He also recommends that parents consider whether they are tracking for their child or for themselves.

McConville recommends that parents only track their adult children with permission and only if the action was “negotiated between two parties of equal standing.” Parents should never question their young person’s choices based on location data.

How can young people stop being tracked?

For some young people, location tracking may be part of their daily lives, especially when it comes to tracking (or being tracked) friends, roommates, or romantic partners.

This behavior is so widespread among adults that it was featured prominently on the latest season of Bravo’s reality show Summer House. So asking your parents to stop may not seem worth the trouble.

But if young adults want their parents to stop tracking them, McConville suggests starting the conversation with open-ended questions.

The script can be as simple as, “I know you’re tracking me. I think you have some concerns. I’d love to hear what they are,” McConville said.

In response, young people can prove their abilities by presenting what McConville describes as “data-based arguments.” These data points may include class attendance, grades, community involvement, job responsibilities, and more. You can then point out that being followed makes you feel like a child, and convey an honest plea for autonomy and independence.

learn to tolerate disapproval

McConville acknowledged that some parents may consider tracking as part of the deal, for example if they are paying for college tuition. Mr McConville said when the stakes are this high, young people may decide to just “grin and bear it”.

But if temporary parental anger or frustration is the worst that can happen, McConville says, it may be worth going independent in the long run.

“One of the developmental challenges of this age is having to learn how to tolerate parental disapproval,” McConville said. “That’s very important for being an independent 25-year-old.”